Kate Sloan once published a blog post called “5 Awkward but Effective Ways I’ve Initiated Sex” and it made me laugh so much because that is exactly my life. After talking with her, I’ve decided to publish some of my favourite lines that I have used. Not all of these led to sex actually happening, but they all led either to sex, or at least some really fun flirting!
I am not good at being subtle; even if I was better at it, I much prefer being upfront, especially when it comes to topics like consent. I worry that if I’m subtle, I may be misunderstood and thus one of us may consent to something we aren’t actually wanting, or we’ll walk away from the interaction feeling hurt and/or confused.
Some of these may seem overly direct, but keep in mind that this isn’t the first time I’ve talked about sex with these people. As a sex worker, I am very aware of most of my friends’ preferences, likes, and dislikes (though not on a personal level), and as someone who is very physically friendly with people who consent to it, casual, intimate (though not sexual) touching is often already established.
Always pay attention to signs that the person you’re talking to is not okay with your advances or is not comfortable turning you down. If they don’t clearly consent, back off and don’t push it.
- “I don’t know if you’ve seen your face, but you have such an exceptionally good face.”
- “Oof. You’re ridiculously cute/sexy/good-looking/etc. It’s really not fair.”
This is another one that I use all the time. Like all the time. The adjective sometimes changes, but it always starts with an “oof” and, if it’s said via text, it usually ends with the heart eyes emoji.
Like the first, this one is fairly tame/innocuous, depending on what adjective you use, but it can be a bit more forward and help transition the conversation from “friendly flirty” to “I’m making a move” flirting.
- “So um, I would really like if you bossily took dirty pictures of me as foreplay for sex, if you’d like.”
There’s something particularly thrilling about having a good photographer who you’re into take dirty pictures of you, especially if the two of you have a kink dynamic. We had already established an interest in having sex with each other, though neither of us had acted on it, so this was my way of informing the photographer in question that I wanted this meeting to progress further than they had thus far. Adding the “if you’d like” to the end gave the other person a chance to back out, consent to once thing but not the other, or both, depending on how they felt. Keep in mind that some more accommodating people may feel as though they had to say “yes”, so I’d suggest only using this method with people who you trust to express their wants.
- “Wanna meet for coffee and maybe buttstuff?”
This is one that you shouldn’t use unless you have some prior knowledge of what their sexual interests are. The “maybe” gives them an easy out if they aren’t interested (or aren’t interested that day). It’s easy enough to simply say “sure, coffee sounds great!” if you aren’t interested in the sexual aspect without specifically say “no”, which can be hard for many people. Obviously “buttstuff” is interchangeable with whatever sexual activity the two of you may be interested in (personally I have also used “blow jobs”, “fisting”, “makeouts”, and “choking”, depending on mutual interests).
- “Just so you know, I have pretty small fists.”
This is the most forward of all of the options. If you want to make it gentler, remove the “just so you know” and work it into a conversation on that topic instead of just saying it out of nowhere. The what you’re informing the other person of is interchangeable; “I enjoy giving head more than receiving it” can be a throwaway statement in a conversation about oral sex, but if you say the same thing while winking or giving the other person a knowing look, it’s clearer that you’re telling them this so that they know what you want with them.
If I’m flirting with someone, it typically starts with me talking a lot about their face and how good their face is. If they blush, I will then tell them that their face is even cuter when they’re blushing and I guess I should just keep flirting if that’s what their face looks like when they blush because that’s a really good face. Yes – I do say “face” this often while flirting.
This one is innocuous enough that it could pass as being friendly and not aggressively flirty if the flirtatious feeling isn’t returned by the other person, meaning it’s a great way to test the waters and see if they respond well enough that you think they want to flirt with you.
What are some of your favourite ways of flirting and/or initiating sex? What do you wish people would never, ever do again?
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