MysteryVibe Crescendo

The MysteryVibe Crescendo lies on top of its open carrying case. It is bent into an "s" shape and positioned so that the engraved word "Crescendo" on the vibrator is visible

The MysteryVibe Crescendo lies on top of its open carrying case. It is bent into an "s" shape and positioned so that the engraved word "Crescendo" on the vibrator is visibleHave you ever got caught up in the hype or special features of something, been incredibly excited to experience it, and then ended up hating it? Of course you have; you’re an adult and it’s almost 2018. Hopefully that happened with things that didn’t cost a couple hundred dollars! It’s definitely happened to me before, and it’s happened to my again with the MysteryVibe Crescendo.

It’s been a while since I was so let down by a sex toy. Oh wait, nevermind, that happened just last week with the Hello Touch X! To be honest, so very many toys haven’t been doing the trick for me lately, but most of the ones letting me down don’t miss by such a wide margin.

But the Crescendo…it had such hope, such promise. And I just hate it. It makes me angry to use, based on how much it let me down.

So. This thing is supposed to be completely adjustable; it can be bent into a myriad of positions, there are a total of SIX different motors, and the app that you use to control it allows you to adjust each motor individually! Words like “strong”, “intense”, “powerful” and “rumbly” are used to describe it on the MysteryVibe site. It sounds so promising!

Unfortunately the reality is that I was met with a problem at every step.

The MysteryVibe Crescendo's black satin carrying case lies closed on a bed, the ribbon piling around itself. Propped up against the case is a business card that has the instructions for how to charge the Crescendo on it. Next to it on the bed, the Crescendo rests on top of its charging pod.First I couldn’t get the charging dock to work. It uses wireless charging, and I was following the photo showing me how to use the dock, but it just. wasn’t. syncing. Eventually it did, and it charged normally. Each time I’ve charged the Crescendo since, it has connected easier and easier, so initially was probably my fault, but it still took a frustrated twenty minutes to get it on my first attempt

Next, I tried using the Crescendo using the controls on the vibrator itself.

It comes with a whomping twelve patterns programmed into it, with sixteen different strengths per pattern. Cycling through them without some sort of visual aid just makes no sense. It’s important to note that the vibrator picks up on the same setting as when you turned it off. There are too many to keep track of what it has or what the order is, so it’s a constant surprise what pattern the vibrator is going to have next – is this why the company is called “Mystery”Vibe? Which is not what I want with a sex toy – I want to know exactly what I’m getting when, reliably.

So maybe the app will fix things?

A screenshot of the MysteryVibe Crescendo app, showing some of the different vibration patterns that it has built-in.
Some of the various vibration patterns that come built-in to MysteryVibe app

Nah – this is one confusing app. The most confusing vibrator app that I’ve tried using, by far. There are just too many options. Normally options are great! But not when you have to spend half an hour poking around each corner of the app, clicking this spot and that, dragging various dots around, swiping, swiping, swiping, swiping. The app currently has -45- different patterns to choose from, plus a way to create your own pattern (which isn’t as straightforward as you’d expect), and a way to change the order the patterns appear on the vibrator itself.

No, I’m sorry. I like choices, but the learning curve on this thing is just too much. I’ll take the We Vibe app, please. Now, I do admit that the app is nice once you’ve figured it out. After you’ve figured out how it works, it makes sense, but figuring out all the things takes a while, or at least did for me.

Okay, so what about the vibrations themselves?

There is one motor in each of the Crescendo‘s tips, and four more located throughout the stem. The ones in the ends are stronger than those in the middle.

I don’t mind patterns nearly as much as a lot of my fellow blogger friends, so I had hope that this may be a time for redemption for the Crescendo.

These “deep, rumbly vibrations” just aren’t – they are simply weak and buzzy, and there’s no avoiding that. On the lowest settings, the Crescendo’s buzz isn’t too bad,  but the higher the intensity, the more buzzy and numbing they become. Certain patterns aren’t as bad as others, but the Crescendo never becomes an actually rumbly vibrator.

And finally, my biggest point of contention by far:

This toy bends into so many different positions and shapes, hooray! What it CAN’T do is lock into shape.

The MysteryVibe Crescendo lies on top of a bedspread, bent so that it is in a "Z" shape.Every single time that I tried to use the Crescendo, I would bend it into shape, start masturbating, press a little bit too hard or in the wrong way and the toy would bend out of the shape I put it in.

I can hold it against my clit but not press it against me. I can use it as a g-spot vibrator but not thrust, etc.

Every way that I tried to use it, eventually the Crescendo’s shape would bend out of the position that I put it in and end up in some useless spot and I’d have to stop, reform the toy, and try again.

While there are a few things that I like about the vibrator – great storage pouch, cordless charging, 100% waterproof, all silicone, a 12-month warranty, and create-your-own vibration patterns – this is a vibrator that costs $230 CAD. And that’s a lot of money for a toy where I can’t actually say that I like…any of the main features. But you can get it from MysteryVibe, if you think your experience will be a more positive one!

Thanks to SheVibe for sending me the Crescendo!

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This item was given to me in exchange for an honest review. That said, my opinions have not been impacted by this.

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