I’ve gone on record talking about how I’ve never wanted to have a penis, and I stand by that, I don’t.
But I’m also pretty into watersports, and honestly my aim isn’t great. I’ve always hated those pee-in-a-cup tests because of this, and the same rules apply for peeing in a mouth. A bit splashes down the chin, hits the collar, unintentionally leaves a soaked wetness the other person needs to walk home in. Want to pee in a butt? Well take it from me, plastic funnels really are not the best thing – you’re much better off investing in a hollow butt plug or even a funnel butt plug.
Every time I’ve topped for watersports, I’ve thought about how much easier it would be if I had a cock. If I could just…put my dick in the spot and pee. Thanks to Spectrum Boutique, a company that is both awesome and clearly into strange pitches, I’ve finally had a chance to try something that I’ve wanted to for years!
I overthought my choices by polling friends and Twitter, asking Zoe (Spectrum‘s owner), and then stressing over the feedback I received. I have a bad history of wanting gender-affirming products just for kink, not realizing until it’s too late that it gives me gender feelings that are very negative and hard to overcome, and I didn’t want that to happen again. Because of this, Zoe decided to send me my aesthetic favourite, the Number One Laboratory Sport (and the Slingshot harness), and the one I thought would be the most effective for watersports, the CalExotics Packer Gear.
Honestly I just find the Sport to be so freaking cute. I think it’s the foreskin; you know how I feel about foreskin. But also it seems more realistic to me, and more realistic for me both in terms of the style and the colour.
And uh, to be fully upfront, the Packer Gear reminds me more of a kinky pacifier than anything? The silicone feels a bit more fake, the whole thing seems a bit more toy-like to me. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, just an important distinction to make between the two. The Sport’s silicone feels almost like a New York Toy Collective dildo, or Vixin Creation’s Tex, and the Packer Gear feels thinner, more rubbery (it’s fully silicone), more like the Tantus C-Ring.
Firm, long along the shaft
Hollow cup, angled down
Learning How On Earth to Use Them
I kind of hated the Slingshot harness. When I first got it, I couldn’t figure out how to get the Sport into it for the longest time; with use the straps have stretched out just enough to make it easier to get the STP into (harness is compatible with all Number One Labs STPs), but my first couple attempts I was honestly worried that I was going to harm the silicone or else rip the harness – thankfully nothing bad happened! Each time I put the Sport into the harness, I see the edges stretch a little, as if the seams are thinking of giving in, so I think the harness will break before the STP itself.
My next issue was the design – it just doesn’t stay in place. It’s basically a figure eight that you step into, one loop around the top of each thigh with the STP set in place in the middle between your thighs. I wanted this to be like a strap on harness; designed to be worn without pants on in order to work effectively, but it doesn’t seem to stay in place without underwear, rendering it less useful for my purposes. I don’t own any pairs of underwear with flies, and STPs don’t seem to bend in quite the same ways as bio cocks do, which resulted in me peeing on a couple too many pairs of underwear for me to want to keep trying.
I managed to successfully get all my pee in the toilet once with the Slingshot harness. I gave up and moved on to holding the STPs with my hand instead, not holding much hope that the harness would be better for kink.
When I moved on, I continued to pee on my feet a lot. And the seat, and the floor, and my thighs, until I learned how to use them. Initially I was holding the STP firmly against my body (to avoid spillage), trying to form a seal but not so firmly that it put a kink in the silicone, but then it was explained to me that you need to leave a bit of space for air to get in. Think what happens when you pour from an oil or apply juice can – the STP, unlike a bio cock, is filled with air. When you create a seal and push urine into it, the air is not able to escape through the tip fast enough and so the pee is forced out the edges instead, which causes the mess. If you create a gap, air is able to get out of the way of the opening in the tip, enabling the pee to flow properly.
After learning this, I found both the Sport and the Packer Gear to be incredibly easy to use (still don’t like the harness). The Sport is a tiny bit easier for me to use as the balls on the Packer Gear are larger hollow cups that collect urine, so you have to tip it further to make sure it it’s empty, and they sit oddly on my body, but these don’t make a huge difference to me.
For my final test of each, I wore them both at different public kink events. The Sport, with the Slingshot harness, stayed in place and felt great (I didn’t pee with it, given my track record with the harness), without the harness it took some maneuvering but worked well, and the Packer Gear took a bit more work to subtly get in place but was successful. With practice I’m sure I’d improve at this if I wanted to. The Sport definitely made me less anxious to use like this.
Now that I (finally) knew how to use them, I handed them off to my boyfriend to see if he could get either of them inside his butt; I wasn’t sure if the Sport‘s balls might be too in-the-way for it or if the Packer Gear would be too collapsible to hold up – he managed to get both in, the Sport being an easier fit, and laughed at my concerns. “When you’re a classy gentleman who has taken as many thick dicks as I,” he starts “everything just slips right in, no matter how floppy!”
Armed with the knowledge that his hole can take, well, anything and everything, we set forth!
“We should probably do this in the tub just to be safe”, I suggest. He agreed with me and so in we hopped. Seeing as he’s 5″ taller than me, we couldn’t do this standing up. On all fours there was no way for me to get my legs around him and have the STP in place. Bent over wasn’t safe on the slippery surface, either.
Okay then, on the floor next to the tub? Tile is fairly ideal to clean spillage, even if not the most comfortable of surfaces….
First up was the Sport with the Slingshot harness. Based on our bodies, it was easiest to align things when his shoulders were low to the ground and his butt up high. For ease, I slipped a finger inside the shaft of the Sport to insert it into his ass, stepping into the harness and maneuvering the STP into place on my body once it was inside him. I squatted and, carefully, gingerly, let go.
Okay, that didn’t work so well. Next up was the Sport again, sans harness.
“Do you need a break for more water?” he asks
“No, I had an energy drink, two coffees, and five cups of water. I’m good to go again!”
We got in the same position. This time it was harder to line things up right, as the shaft of the Sport is a bit short and I had to fit my hand between our bodies in order to hold it in place. It took a bit of wrangling but then I got it. When I starting peeing, he made a surprised noise – it was definitely working this time! After a bit I stopped and backed up. The inside of the Sport’s shaft had some pee still left in it, which I tried to force inside him but it refused to go. When I pulled the toy out, predictably the pee came out with it.
“You must need more water now?” he questioned after emerging from the bathroom, butt no longer full of piss.
I just laughed and shook my head, picking up the Packer Gear. “Get back on the ground!”
Since this one has a larger inside diameter, it took two fingers to make the toy solid enough to easily insert. Once in, I got to delight at how it held the ass open, sort of like a tunnel plug, but the tip was closed off enough that I didn’t get an intense view of his insides. I really liked that part. Like the Sport, the Packer Gear was harder to align to my body like this, particularly the ‘cup’ balls, as previously mentioned.
We felt more prepared this time and so on we went! He made the a similar startled sound, confirming that everything was working properly, so I kept peeing. After a few more seconds I realized that I had no idea just how much I could pee without accidentally overflowing him, so I stopped, making a note to pay attention in the future.
When I was done, I noticed that the shaft and balls were FULL of pee still, possibly because his anus was able to close more around the shaft than it could with the Sport, possibly because I peed too much, and similarly I couldn’t force it inside him, so onto the floor it went.
Having now established a sense of how they work, we moved to the bedroom and threw down my Sheets of San Francisco Funsheet Plus. We tried a few different things – same position as before except with the STP turned around and me balancing on top of his butt didn’t work, though it was comfortable, but him standing, bent at the waist was quite fun and effective, once I pulled over a stool!
Our favourite was definitely him lying on his belly, me straddling his upper thighs. That position was comfortable and easily sustainable for both of us, while also being equally effective for the actually getting-the-piss-into-the butt part, AKA the most important part. Physically it was also the easiest for me to relax enough to actually pee while in this position. When I get anxious, it’s harder for me to pee, and same with when I’m awkwardly squatting, so this position felt much nicer on my end.
All positions had the same problems as described earlier of pee coming out with the STP, and it didn’t seem like the amount I peed made much of a difference. If your partner’s butt is tighter, peeing into it may prove to be a more challenging activity (especially with the Packer Gear), but remember that stuffing either STP with your fingers to insert it makes it much easier.
Oral and Bodily Watersports
When peeing onto someone or into their mouth, both the Sport and the Packer Gear are able to completely empty themselves, so there’s less mess after you finish up, plus you aren’t trying to shove your hand in between your crotch and their ass, so you have more space to hold your STP in place properly.
Final NotesSo, which one to buy?
-If you can make it work for you, this would help you use the STP in public places (not for kink)
-It’s cute as heck
-I love how realistic it looks and feels
-Easy to use, not very finicky
-More precise when used anally
-The “children’s toy” vibe does appeal to me for certain types of scenes
-If you’re just using it for oral and bodily play, this one is great
-I have no idea how you would actually use this successfully
-Shaft + ball length make it harder to hold anally without a harness
-The fit is much weirder, at least for me
-The balls need to be manually emptied
All in all, the Sport is still my favourite aesthetically, and I find it slightly better functionally, especially anally. If I was going to use one in a public bathroom, I definitely feel like the Sport would be more discrete and precise. That said, the Packer Gear is still a great option, especially given the price difference, and if you’re not using it anally or don’t mind a bigger mess, it’s worth considering.