I Love Too Much, Too Soon, And I Wouldn’t Change a Thing

I have a crush on you.

Don’t worry, I probably don’t want to date you. It’s possible I don’t even know you.

I crush easily and often and I don’t expect anything from it. Are you a friend of mine? I’ve probably fallen in love with you at one point or another. My friends are smart, talented, and gorgeous. Why wouldn’t I fall for them? They are incredible people!

And you know what? I’m okay with these attractions.

If you’re anything like me, you move at whatever pace feels right in a relationship. And this frequently is at a different pace than the other person is moving at.
I’m talking about all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones.

If I like you, I am not going to play games like “don’t text for three days” or pretend to be busy to make you work for it. If I like you, you will know. You will know that I want to spend time with you, and you will know that I am potentially anxious about wanting to spend so much time with you. You will know because I will tell you all the time. I will compliment you and try to come up with ways to make you happier or make your life easier. I will light up when we talk or I see that you’ve messaged me because you mean so damn much to me and I am captivated by you.

I feel deeply, strongly, quickly. It’s a part of my being just as much as me having red hair or having anxiety or being queer.

a white person wearing nothing but red lace underwear. they are shown from the belly to the thighs and are pushing down their underwear on one side to reveal a small red heart tattoo on their bikini lineThere was a time when my partners would feel threatened by how strongly I would feel for people right off the bat, even when there was no romantic or sexual attachment to these people. It was even worse when there was. I believed that loving like this was some sort of character flaw that I needed to fix or ignore at all costs. I learned to try and suppress these attachments, to ignore them and the person when they formed, to act like nothing had changed. Inevitably this would backfire and I would be left attempting to explain, again, why this wasn’t a thing for my partner to worry about.

Fast forward a few years.

My views on love and relationships have changed, even if my feelings themselves haven’t. I’ve come to accept that I will love you – yes, you! – fiercely, fully, and without expecting anything in return. That’s just who I am. I am drawn to your smarts, your talent, your smile. How generous you are, how much you put yourself out there…You don’t need to have done anything to “deserve love”, that’s not the point. You deserve it anyway. You don’t need to prove that you have worth for me to know that you do.

If you’re in my life, I’ll tell you I love you when I feel it. Even if it’s “too soon”, even if I know you don’t love me. I’ll tell you what I mean by this love. I think people should be more honest about their feelings and that being loved is not something reserved for soulmates or the person/people you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with. Love is a feeling, an emotion, a thing to be shared and celebrated, not something to hide.

I will fall for you quickly. This may last a day, a lifetime, or anywhere in between. Don’t worry, I’m not expecting you to return the feelings now, or maybe even ever.

Loving you doesn’t mean that we are meant to be together. All it means is that I see something amazing in you that I am drawn to.

Yes, I have a crush on you. Yes, I love you.

No, I’m not expecting anything.


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