Sometimes, things get a lot of hype, you get excited, and you want to jump on the bandwagon and try it! Other times you hear about them and your upper lip pulls back in a snarl and you go “…yeah, not for me, thanks.” In either case, you may end up surprised by your feelings, once you actually experience the object of attention.
Womanizer was the first (as far as I know) to release toys with this suction-nozzle feature; it doesn’t vibrate, it pulses air around your clit. To be clear: there is not vacuum/suction involved, it is only “pressurized air pulses”. This is supposed to help save your clit from feeling numb and overstimulated, and to provide ~revolutionary orgasms~ and all that jazz. It’s supposed to mimic the feeling of receiving oral and be this absolutely groundbreaking development in sex toys for “women” (read: people with clitorides).
I was bored with it already, this toy is not for me.
Now, I admit, I am clearly not the target demo for these toys. 9 999 times out of 10 000, I do not enjoy receiving oral. I am also very much not a fan of toys that forcibly misgender me, companies named after abuse, or those who clearly copy another toy design (Satisfyer and everyone after), or when they put down other toys/ways of receiving pleasure (vibrators) in order to promote their own product.
Then they released more models. Then Satisfyer started making their own, cheaper quality (and lower price-point!) versions. Now you can find about five thousand companies making toys that, well, are 90% identical.
By this point, I was sick of hearing about them, of having people ask me my thoughts, of seeing that another model had been released, of….of all of it.
But, like the smell of my cats using their litter box 1, hearing about this sex toy trend has lingered much, much longer than I’d like it to.
When Satisfyer emailed me asking if I wanted to review their 2, Pro 2, and Pro Penguin, I agreed in utter resignation, hoping that, if I just agreed and published the reviews, the slew of messages about these toys would slow.
Despite my annoyance, I really was prepared to give the three Satisfyers the benefit of the doubt. I unboxed them and immediately noted that the 2 and the the Pro Penguin both had a very strong smell coming out of the box – the 2 having a much stronger one. These faded after several days, but were quite noticeable and unpleasant to begin with.
The Pro 2 and the Pro Penguin both charge via magnetic charging, the Satisfyer 2 takes two AAA batteries. So I plugged the Pro 2 and the Pro Penguin in, put some batteries in the 2, started my testing, and then I immediately proceeded to send the following messages to several folx in my life, one at a time, as the testing process of the Satisfyer 2 commenced:
“THE ONLY ONE I CAN USE WITHOUT CHARGING SMELLS REAL BAD LIKE RUBBER AND ALSO IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE BREATHING THROUGH A SNORKEL OR BLOWING BUBBLES INTO WATER WITH A STRAW”
“NO PART OF ME WANTED TO PUT IT ON MY GENITALS BUT I DID”
“IT FEELS LIKE MY CLIT HEAD IS BEING PUNCHED OVER AND OVER WITH TINY FISTS WHEN IT IS ON THE SECOND OR HIGHER SETTING”
“THE LOWEST SETTING IS JUST PINCHY AS HELL ON MY CLIT HOOD UNLESS I HOLD EVERYTHING REALLY SPREAD APART, IN WHICH CASE IT JUST DOESN’T FEEL GOOD AAAAAT ALL”
“AND THEN IF I LIFT IT OFF NY CLIT FOR EVEN A SECOND, IT SOUNDS LIKE A SNORKEL AGAIN”
After this brief experiment, I put the 2 away – my clitoris was genuinely in pain, and I wanted to let it recover before trying again.
Now, you’re probably wondering what the heck I mean by the sound, right? I mean, it can’t possibly sound like a snorkel, can it? Well, dear optimistic person, I have recorded a video for you! Here is the Satisfyer 2, the Pro 2, then Pro Penguin at their lowest through highest settings.
Admittedly, it took me longer than I meant to pick one of the Satisfyers up again – let alone put it on my clit – because of the pain of the first attempt; but eventually I soldiered on and did my job.
Next test, I tried the Pro Penguin, and then finally the Pro 2, each with a sizeable gap between tests in order to let my genitals recover. In my hand, the Pro Penguin is the only one I actually enjoy the feel of; it is silky and fits my hand naturally, whereas the texture of the other two is…not unpleasant, but not nice, either. And so I hoped that the one that felt best in my hands would feel best on my genitals.
All three share the same style of air pulsation.
All three pinch at my clitoral hood, all three feel like I’m being repeatedly punched, all three feel uncomfortable at best, intensely painful at worst.
Now, I should clarify something: I genuinely love being punched. Rough body play is fucking hot. I enjoy receiving some genital torture. I get off on being put in various positions of discomfort and torment for other people’s pleasure. I enjoy being hurt.
But not this. There is no part of this that feels good to me, that turns me on, that makes me wet. This is just bad. And it’s the type of bad that feels like I will genuinely injure myself if I use these toys for even 10 minutes.
Now, I’m sure they wouldn’t injure me. But they certainly feel as though they will.
Each time I tested one of these toys, my feelings of avoidance grew. They caused me unpleasant physical pain every time, and my body and brain grew to expect this, which made me less and less willing to spend time hoping that I could make them work if only I held them differently, changed the intensity, tried them with internal stim, or…
They hurt me.
And no matter what I tried, they continued to hurt me.
Is it possible that I could find a slightly different position or placement or angle and it would suddenly ‘click’ with at least one of the three toys and I would experience the intense pleasure that others have talked about? Yes. But I have already spent around 12 hours either hurting my genitals or waiting for them to recover, and that’s more than enough. To me, the potential of liking them is not worth any additional testing – there are other toys that feel great and I don’t need to unconsensually harm myself to enjoy them, and I’m just going to stick with them.
Want some differing opinions? Suz loves her Pro Penguin, Lilly receives consistently amazing and strong orgasms with her Pro 2, and Horny Geek Girl has some pretty good things to say about the Satisfyer 2.
Note: SexBlogess wrote a very important piece on how “waterproof” these three toys are, as well as other defects that have happened. If you’re going to buy one, I highly recommend you reading this article first!
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- My desk may or may not be right beside the litter box, resulting in sentences like this coming to mind when I am attempting to work ↩