SQÜRM by Hole Punch Toys Review

If you’re anything like me, you will sometimes stumble across sex toys that are very odd or unique in design and your first thought will be “how many different ways can I stick that inside of me?”.

Introducing the SQURM by Hole Punch Toys.

To me, this closer resembles an anteater than it does a dildo. It looks like a creature with a little wagging tail (oh wait, those are anal beads). Described as a toy “for folks who want to share mutual penetration possibilities with partners”, Smitten Kitten (who agreed to send me this curiosity in exchange for me using it in a photoshoot but technical setbacks meant I opted to review it for now)’s website claims that “enthusiasts love to use this in a classic scissors position” which made my inner-lesbian was both cringe and start imaging how that would look.

It is a weird toy and I immediately wanted to own it for no reason other than my own curiosity.

Since I ordered mine, Hole Punch Toys has changed the brand of silicone used in the toys and according to Smitten Kitten, they are now a little bit softer (described as “noticeable but small”), and the finish is also slightly different. I have gotten the opportunity to feel the new silicone (in my hands only) and it is a little bit tackier than the original and a little bit squishier as well.

(First photo is of the new silicone, courtesy of Smitten Kitten. The second photo is of the original silicone.)

A note on packaging:

I got some pretty cool goodies with the toy – a couple stickers, a pretty freaking-awesome lube pamphlet that has WAY more in it than you’d expect, a little notebook, a card from Hole Punch Toys (ending in “now go f**k yourself), and a postcard saying “P is for Pornography” with a lovely note on it from Smitten Kitten. I’m definitely putting some of these up in my new office!

But it also came with this bag that is made out of jute. This I don’t like at all. Jute sheds everywhere and it’s really annoying to get it off of a sex toy and it’s scratchy. I hate jute in general, but as a carrying case for a sex toy it just makes no sense to me. Not a fan. ¹

I initially imagined the toy working like this:

Here is how I actually ended up using the toy:

Solo Use

End #1 works quite nicely as a g-spot dildo and when using it this way, I found it that end #3 made for a good handle (with my pinky wrapped around #2 for added stability). I prefer using it vaginally than anally, but it works well in both.

End #2 is fun. Normally I see anal beads with a space between each of the beads or no spaces between any, so I liked that the SQURM has four beads, a space, and then another bead. None of the beads are very large (for me) so when using this end I definitely needed to either use something in my vagina as well or else use it quickly as a warm up for something larger going into my butt.

End #3… upon receiving SQURM I discovered that this part of the toy wouldn’t work as easily as a butt plug/anal beads as I thought. The end is flat and a bit too large for it to easily make its way into a bum without sufficient warm-up; I didn’t end up trying to get it inside my rear. I was, however, hell-bent on putting it inside of me somewhere so even though I initially only viewed it as something to go in my butt, I decided to put it into my vagina instead.

And you know what? It worked better than I expected it to! I was able to bend the toy to get end #1 in my butt at the same time and did a sort of awkward thrusting with both ends. It was fun and a different sort of sensation than I’m used to, but wasn’t enough to get me off.

Partnered Use

I really only wanted to see if this actually could make scissoring work. I remember attempting a few times to scissor with my girlfriend back when I was a young, inexperienced lesbian. We’d get on her bed, one of us would lie down, the other would wiggle their way until our crotches were aligned, and then we’d start rubbing.

I remember all it’d result in is me getting razor burn on my vulva caused by friction against hers, or one of us getting kicked/kneed in the face.

But lesbians are supposed to scissor, right? That’s what lesbian sex is, right? So a few months later we would try again, and nothing would change….

If underage, lesbian me and my underage, lesbian girlfriend had discovered our mutual love for anal at this point, we would’ve loved the SQURM. But alas, that realization took several more years (and new partners) for either of us to get into that.

My point is this – I used the SQURM whilst scissoring and while I found it more silly than hot, it worked (using ends #1 and #2). All you have to do is duck out of the way of a foot every now and then and you’re good to go.

You can purchase the SQURM through Come as You Are..

Happy scissoring!